Luther takes 3rd, earns spot to nationals

Just in case of you alumni are completely out of the loop, this weekend Luther ultimate took third at regionals, securing a bid for the National Tournament in may! That's right, the first time Luther has ever been to nationals, and it all relied on a universe point win against Minnesota. By the way, a freshman scored the point!

Recap of what happened this weekend (from an alumni prospective):
Alumni show up to the games a little late on saturday morning after a quick stop at a mcdonalds. We come to see Luther pounding Wisconsin B (or the pimp dags). Without hesitation we pull at a giant bottle of Jaeger and go to town on that. Also, within minutes of being there Tiny is already heckling them. Luther comes away with an easy win 15-2, nothing too remarkable about this game.

Next game is against in state and douche bag rivals Iowa State. For some reason they think that they are really good, and we all know they are really bad. Already drunk by this point, the heckling against Iowa State is pretty terrible, the peak of it being Tiny's simulated masturbation of a beer can and spouting it near an Iowa State player, who immediately gets into Tiny's face. ISUC tries to get into Luther's head with bad calls, but Luther plays their game, shuts down their mediocre handlers and let's little Brisbois drop the disc whenever thrown to him to glide to an easy 15-4 win.

The next game is the semi finals against two time national champion and Guam's favorite team the Wisconsin Hodags. The winner of this game gets an automatic bid to nationals. This was a hotly contested game with observers present, and both teams often going to them. Luther doesn't look intimidated and trades points with them for a while. A couple of miscues and Luther finds themselves down a couple of breaks. The hodags continue to make more than questionable calls are always upset when they are turned over. One such play is when Whitey has a huge grab in the endzone and is immediately stripped, they argue for a while and it's eventually overturned by the observers. Luther is only able to get one break back and loses 15-9

At this point the day is over for Luther. In the morning they play Iowa in the second place bracket. At this point most of the alumni are starting to sober up...that is except for Tiny. Tiny continues to drink his Jaeger at a steady pace, mixed with a couple of beers and he can barely stand by 5:00. We go up to watch the girls team play Minnesota. The women blow a big lead and the game becomes within reach. Tiny sinks to a new low and starts heckling the girls team telling a number seven on the u of m "you suck at frisbee." We quiet him down, and the girls eventually win on what seemed like a 20 minute point. The girls end up with 6th place, breaking seed by one.

The games are over for the day, none of us have eaten and all are sunburned, except for Tom who seems to be constantly pasty. We all head to local joint called the rubenstein and enjoy some delicious food and brews. Dill hangs out with his sub zero friends and drags along poor drunk Tiny along. They show up late and then decide to go to another restaurant. But then Tiny just appears out of nowhere and joins the rest of us, apparently he was upstairs playing Area 51 for a long time. After a very drawn out process we finally get our food and checks in order and head to Waffle's house who has graciously let us stay there. Some of us get ready for a night on the town, others pass out and sleep for a very extended period of time. By my calculations Frenchie slept 12 hours. Tiny also passed out, and we assumed for good.
We head out to a bar called the Froggy Bottom and meet up with Dill, Jamison and a couple of Sub guys. Me and John have been craving some margaritas all night and buy a couple of rounds. It's a really nice bar that overlooks the river, eventually we almost convince Dill to jump into the river for approximately $75 until we realize that the river is only about two feet deep.
Most of us head to another bar called the Contented Cow and do a little bit more drinking, and play a couple rounds of categories. Turns out Tlougan is a terrible categories player and it always stops on him. I get a call from Dill saying we are going to a place called "The grand" and we should come. Booze, John and I decide to head there and find out it's a toga party. We casually sneak in to avoid paying the $5 cover charge and find out its like a Roscoes with people just grinding and making out all over the place. We do some makeshift togas which consists of pulling our shirts partially off. Tlougan, Ilten, and Guam show up and we have ourselves a regular ol' dance party. This place has stage to it, but the entire thing is converted to the dance floor. Being from Luther, we of course move to the stage to showcase our dance skills. We have a great time, and watch Dill go from pretty drunk to barely-standing-under-his-own-free-will drunk. At one point Tiny comes running through the crowd with a drink in his hand and starts partying. We were all shocked to see that he was even capable of walking. We stay until bar close and watch as a very drunk Dill punches a cement wall and fucks up his hand. Me, John, Dill, Tiny and Dave Truesdale decide we don't want to go to bed yet and head to a pizza parlour. Tiny finds some high school girls to talk to and we strike up a conversation with them. At one point he says he worries about having a girl, because strange older men will talk to them and then says "Right now I am my own worst nightmare." Dill buys a pizza, but couldn't remember if he had ordered it. We head home and watch Dill drop pizza all over the streets.

The next morning Luther plays Iowa. The game starts out with the two team trading points to two's. Then Iowa breaks luther twice in a row. Luther scores one more O point, but then lightning comes. The game is delayed for a half hour. After it resumes Luther is able to break Iowa twice back to make the game even. Iowa is super intense during the game, laying out for nearly every disc, but their cup is sub par. Drew and Greg put discs through the cup with ease, the only reason the game was as close was because of drops by some of the cutters and missed throws. Luther and Iowa break each other and eventually Luther gets an 10-8 lead. The next point the hard cap horn blows meaning the game is over. Iowa scores one more just to end the game. Luther comes away with a squeaker, 10-9 over Iowa.

The next game is against Minnesota. The winner of this game goes on to play for true second place and has an automatic bid to nationals. Everyone knew this was going to be a tough game, and observers were brought in. Luther's goal was to shut down Michael Arenson, a top cutter for sub zero. Luther starts out with three straight break points. Minnesota calls two early timeouts to get their focus back. Minnesota breaks luther back three times to take a 4-3 lead. The would continue to trade points until Minnesota took half 8-7. Through out the game Reid on Luther guards Arenson and essentially shuts him down. The two continually battle and stop play to argue about fouls. Throughout the game Arenson never got an uncontested throw or catch. The second half begins and the weather picks up. The rain comes down harder and now there is a clear distinction between upwind and downwind endzones. Luther gets a couple of breaks, and the minnesota gets a couple of breaks back and eventually the hard cap blows with the score of Minnesota 10, Luther 9, game to 11. Luther scores downwind, making the game even at 10, now they must break upwind to win. Minnesota brings it down the field and has it on the far sideline. He goes for a big huck, but Whitey has a huge handblock which makes the disc veer off and knocks over Guam on the sideline. Greg picks it up and has a huck to Aaron Taylor on the goal line. Luther calls a timeout to discuss what to do. Out of the timeout Taylor has the disc, and the handlers run their wrap. At is a not known for his throwing ability, and minnesota knows this. They give him an open up field look, with a streaking Eric Johnson going up the line. Taylor puts it, Johnson catches it, and we all storm the field. Luther has just punched their ticket to a trip to the national tournament.

LUFDA played the hodags in the true second game. Neither team looked great, because both had punched their tickets into the national tournament. There was one ridiculous play where greg puts a really good flick to reid who is streaking down field with jon gaynor on his ass. Both make a ridiculous layout at about my eye level, gaynor gets a hand on the disc but reid still comes down with it. Other highlights involved Drew scoring over two hodags, leaving them lying on the ground confused on how Drew the handler just went deep on them. In fact, drew did it four times in a row on O points against them. Also, they pulled out a new vert stack offense that ran really well against the hodags. They didn't have an answer for Drew or Greg.

All in all it was a spectacular weekend, and never has a group of people been more proud than the alumni were to watch their former team take it to heights it had never seen or even really imagined would happen.
Next stop, Columbus Ohio!

The Social Pariah

Imagine a perfect society. A literal utopia where everyone is equal, everyone is happy, everyone is content. It is like living in the town of Pleasantville, only better. It is the very definition of serenity, except for one minor detail. In the middle of the town there is a boy in a cage. The town folk walk by him, they spit at him, throw rocks and rotten food at him. The boy is clothed in only rags, and has never been bathed. All anger and hatred is taken out on him. Why? For no other reason than the fact that he was born. He is the town's scapegoat. Is it still a utopia?
This was the premise for a short story I read when I was 10 or so. This is when I first understood the role of scapegoat in basic society. I have noticed that in every group I have been a part of, there is one scapegoat that actually brings the group closer together. It is by making fun of this person, for whatever reason, makes the rest of them feel better. I have often pondered on the reason behind this. Is this a uniquely American thing? Is it uniquely Western? Is it even uniquely human?
What is funny to me is no matter how large the group, there will always be the person who plays pariah. Freshman year of college, everybody who lived on my floor were essentially friends, and we all made fun of one person who we deemed was "inferior" in many ways. Sophomore year came around and we thinned the group to a select 12 to live in a cluster (which was 6 rooms adjacent to each other), and there was still one person we felt was inferior, and ridiculed him as such. Finally, senior year we thinned the group even more to 6, thinking all 6 of us were truly compatible and socially equal. Even in this truly selected group we had a scapegoat. It is very peculiar to me how this happens. It's not like we have a meeting and decided who was the scapegoat, it just happened, very organically.
Going back to my questions of where the idea of a social scapegoat came from, I have come to the realization that it is not an American problem, but that it comes from the depths of humanity. Throughout the history of the world different groups have always played the scapegoat. For a very long time the Jews played the part (and still do), later it became African Americans, and now today Muslims and homosexuals have taken over. More than anything this saddens me about the race of humanity. It tells me that happiness and peace can only exist at the expense of others. It tells me that there really is no such thing as pure happiness, because we are defining it within the context of suffering. Most of all it really tells me that humanity is unwilling to take responsibility for their own faults, and is only comfortable pointing out flaws in others. The only solution I see to this pariah problem is for us as a race to be introspective and worry only about the problems of yourself.
Then again, it is probably God's fault for making us this way...

25 things about me

I have seen people doing these things on Facebook where they list 25 things about themselves that people probably don’t know about them. I thought; why not give it the ol’ college try, which usually means putting an obscene amount of alcohol in a bucket and trying to drink it.

Anyway, here it goes

1. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them I have SIDS.
2. I have never bench pressed a car, only a bus.
3. I don’t believe in Stephen King
4. My favorite vice president was Spiro Agnew; I always thought he sounded like a dragon.
5. I only lie to make myself look better;
6. I have never lied. I’m the most moral person in the entire world
7. I like to steal from hobos and kick puppies
8. I am often compared to Jimmy Carter due to my inability to work out hostage situations.
9. I don’t believe in being a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.
10. I was once asked to review the finances for a small company, I didn’t do it and told them I did. To say the least, Enron was NOT happy with me.
11. I live by a motto that I heard on a Sonic commercial; “Live your life fast and out of control.”
12. I have never killed anybody, only their sense of right and wrong.
13. I will never sell out my beliefs, but you can try to persuade me.
14. I am very intrigued by the republican moral standard: “Take everything; give nothing back.”
15. I think Math is overrated.
16. I think Mississippi makes West Virginia look like egalitarian paradise for intellectuals.
17. God is the biggest influence in my life, well, fourth behind TV, the internet, and basic reasoning.
18. I have contracted several STD’s; my mom still hasn’t forgiven me.
19. I have a dream to be on the O’Reilly factor and try to yell louder than him.
20. Every time I need to throw up I think about Anne Coulter’s credibility.
21. Hamburgers taste much better when made with gorilla meat.
22. I always cook by the book; especially the book “100 ways to wok your dog.”
23. I am under the belief that gay marriage is much less of a problem than allowing ugly stupid straight people. At least they aren’t producing another generation of dumb.
24. I understand now the incredibly deep meaning of Bon Jovi’s lyrics “It’s my life, and it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever, I’m going to live while I’m alive, it’s my life.”
25. I don’t believe in euthanasia, unless it’s used to kill nickelback.

The ultimate showdown

I wrote this junior year for a class. It's entertaining, and highly informative.

There are many important topics that could be discussed in this paper. I have many strong opinions that I could formulate on such subjects as: abortion, republicans, Wal-Mart, George Bush, PC’s, why Barry Sanders is the greatest running back of all time, and religion. All of these topics are very important, but I feel that my talents need to be focused on something that can change the world. Finally, I can bring unity to two worlds that one never thought was possible. I can answer the question “Which SF show/ series is truly better, Star Wars or Star Trek?” Now we can finally settle the on going debate that has been tearing this world apart for the last million years of human existence. Now I have seen quite a bit of both Star Wars and Star Trek but I am not hopefully immersed in the SF world. Therefore I am the perfect candidate to answer this on going debate.

In order to truly decide who is better, we need to do this systematically. Let us go through sets of categories by comparing the universes to each other to truly decide which SF show/ series is better. I have gone through literally every other option, and this is the best way to truly decide who is better. The first will be a battle of important characters from each universe. From the Star Trek universe I will pick Commander Worf and I will pit him up against Obi-Won Kenobi. They are both in higher ranks, and both are trained fighters. Unfortunately, this is no fight. Kenobi, being a Jedi, commands the force and the use of a light-saber. Though Worf is extremely deadly, all he has is a dinky metal sword and a phaser, he would be in multiple pieces in a couple seconds. The same thing would happen to Captain Kirk against Yoda, or Data against Mace Windu; they all would just end up in multiple pieces on the floor regretting the instant they pulled their weapon from their belts. Point goes to Star Wars.

The villains play just as important role as the heroes. So if we were to pit, Oh let’s say Darth Maul against a 100 klingon warriors, who would win? These Klingons are extremely good warriors, but their weapons are just inferior to the all powerful Light Saber, and Darth Maul has a double bladed Saber. Not to mention, he commands a little thing known as the Force. Unfortunately, again, Star Wars characters whom control the Force have the complete upper hand against any puny villain on Star Trek. Another point goes to Star Wars.

I know the trekkies are probably thinking now “That R-Tard has a completely biased view. If I wasn’t busy upgrading my level 42 hunter in WOW (World of Warcraft) I would push up my glasses and kick his ass!” Well don’t fret simple losers, for I may have given the upper hand to Star Wars in characters, but the discussion is far from over. I have not forgotten about your abiding savior that every trekkie says when this discussion is brought up. Q, the most powerful being in the Trek universe could beat any force in the Star Wars universe. I mean, there is nothing you can do against something that literally controls the universe. No Jedi in the universe would have a chance against Q.

Let’s see, right now the score is 2-1, those bastards with the use of the force always ruin it for those poor trekkies who are just trying to get by. But that’s in the past, we’re on to a whole new battle. There is nothing more important in either of these universes than the space ships they transport themselves in. This subject is a little tricky, because there were three or four different Enterprises, so to make it easier, I’ll pick the enterprise from the “Next Generation.” I must say; this ship is rather impressive. It has incredibly strong shields with really strong weapons on it. But my favorite part of the entire ship is the Holodeck, which in the words of Dave Chappelle “Is the most ballin shit in the world.” The Holodeck is short for Holographic Environment Simulator; it is a place where you can literally do anything. Let’s say I wanted to play Sunset Riders with Angelina Jolie while eating tacos at Casa Bonita. All I have to do is tell the computer what I wanted and it would do it. Just for that I give Star Trek one more point.

Cool as the holodeck may be, the question is, could the Enterprise beat certain ships from the Star Wars universe? It would certainly lose to the Death Star, and probably a Super Star Destroyer, but I think it would beat many of the smaller ships, like the Millennium Falcon or an X-Wing. But the question still remains, who would win? I’m going to pit a regular Star Destroyer against the Enterprise, and I’m giving the upper hand to the Star Destroyer just because of shear size and power. The Enterprise can only hold on so long, the Star Destroyer has just too many guns, point goes to Star Wars, the score is 3-2, advantage Star Wars.

There are too many categories within each universe to choose from, so I’m going to now have to take a step out and go within the bounds of ours. If there’s one thing both of these series, have besides the word “Star” in their name, they are both extreme geek magnets. If we were to pit a “trekkie” against a “warsie” (I just made that up, it’s just easier that way) who would win? The trekkie would immediately try take after Cpt. Kirk and do a bunch of roll moves to avoid opponent, the warsie would try (in vain) to use the force and choke the trekkie. Eventually, they would both realize they are pathetic losers with no discernable power besides the ability to detract women and actually try to fight. This is where the warsie would have the upper hand; he’s seen the Jedi use all kinds of Kung Fu and try to imitate it. His limbs would be flailing around like an octopus out of the water. The trekkie would get intimidated and run back home to his mother’s basement. The warsie would gloat triumphantly and then grab his inhaler before putting a hot pocket in the microwave. Thus the point again goes to Star Wars, giving it a commanding lead of 4-2.

I’m sure at this point of the paper the trekkies are getting cranky and saying things like, “That lousy humanoid is letting Star Wars based on meaningless facts. Yargh! I’m so mad I could through my Klingon/ English dictionary out of the window!” Unfortunately it does look like the points are going in favor of Star Wars, but just like Spock returned “The Search for Spock” Star Trek is still in this. The next category in which the two universes collide is in something I call “The Battle of Quality.” I always enjoyed the Star Wars and Star Trek movies as a child, mostly because they were flashy and had spaceships in them. Now that I am a refined man with a selective palate, I am able to discern crap from quality. I have re-watched several Star Trek movies, and I have to say I am quite impressed how well they are put together. The acting from Patrick Stewart is quite marvelous. And Shatner is pretty good, even though he is a little over the top sometimes. All in all, I would say that these movies are pretty entertaining, and well put together.

The Star Wars movies are different story. Visually, they are extremely amazing, there is still not a movie more fun to watch than Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Unfortunately, George Lucas, the hair-brained creator/ director, knows about as much about acting as the Chicago Cubs know about winning. Let’s just say the guy has no clue. I don’t get it, the actors he have are quite amazing. He has superstars like Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Harrison Ford and Samuel L. Jackson. You’d think with an all-star cast like that Lucas would be able to make a decent movie. But good lord, the acting is just sooo bad. Along with that, the man just continually makes major mistakes; like Jar-Jar Binks. Also, that stupid Pod-Race scene in Episode I, what a waste of a half hour when there could have been light sabers or star fighting. There isn’t a single movie in the entire trilogy that has good acting in it. For that, Star Trek wins the point, making it a close 4-3.

Well it was a close battle. Along the way we shared some laughs, some cries (mostly about the shit acting in Star Wars) and some fond memories. I know that some might not agree with my opinion, that I don’t have enough experience to truly judge the two different series. For that I say, it doesn’t matter. My opinion is scientific fact because I said it is. Feel free to try and disprove me, it’d be like punching out God, it’s just not going to happen. I hope that you have all enjoyed my paper and if anybody is writing a about Star Wars or Star Trek I give you my permission to use it as a source in your own papers. It is a guaranteed A, scientifically proven.

Exploiting My Talents

Right now it is easy to say that I am going through somewhat of an identity crisis. I’m not talking about the postmodernist bullshit where I can’t decide whether or not life is a mere sequence of events or mapped out by some spaghetti monster in the sky. I’m talking about what I want to do with my life. Apart from my ambition to be kick ass for the rest of my life, I have no idea what I want to do, or be.

I am pretty sure I am intelligent enough to do almost anything I want. I mean, I’m not Winston Churchill smart, though I think I'm Neville Chamberlain smart and I definitely know I’m smarter than that asshole Herbert Hoover. But then the problem isn’t really know-how, it’s desire. And right now the only thing I desire to do is to not work, or at least work hard.

As you might have guessed, (unless you have a mild form of Down syndrome, autism or a combination of both which I like to call “downtism,”) I am somewhat of a daydreamer and very ambitionless. I keep wondering if there is anyway I could profit on my current talents; my very, very limited talents.

My list of talents include: throwing a Frisbee with distance and decent accuracy, the flash game 3d pong, an uncanny memory for things that happened on the Simpsons, masturbating to Facebook, and drinking. Now unless they invent a new way for me to make money by playing 3d pong, drinking is my last option.

When I say I’m good at drinking, I mean I’m really good at drinking. I have found that I have an uncanny knack for performing well in a variety of drinking games. You name it, I can beat you in it; beer pong, boat races, flippy cup, moose, a frisbee full of beer, circle of death, quarters, drive the bus, etc. etc. This begs the question, is there anyway for me to profit from obliterating my liver?

I have put some extensive though into this, maybe there is some way for me to go to parties with my friends and hustle people for money. I’ve worked it out carefully, I act like this is the first time I ever drank and that my friends just as bad. Then, we put money on the line and crush them, and continue to take their money until they are curled up in a fetal position on the ground weeping and begging for mercy.

We will do this until we have amassed enough of a profit to travel and go from college town to college town until we have made enough to invest wisely in a hedge fund, or a smart investment company. Through my rough calculations we will make about 500,000 within the first month, and close to a couple of billion by year end (depending on investments and market conditions). Then we live like kings, sitting on a private island, making love to our girlfriends, Hayden Panatierre, Halle Berry, and Leonard Nemoy.

Seems simple enough right? It is. But alas, I have about as purpose driven as a dog addicted to meth (well maybe more like a sloth). The point being that this is a pipe dream. This is about as likely to happen as Anne Coulter being described as "level headed." But that’s what pipe dreams are for right? Until the day when I actually figure out how to make an obscene amount of money for accurately putting a quarter in a shot glass I’ll have to work on a “real” profession, like drug dealing, ditch digging, or infomercial actor.

But as long as I have my dreams, I can continue to perfect my drinking skills. Now this is endurance training I could get used too…

Rancid Rhetoric

Here it is, after much deliberation over what to name the blog, being Rancid Rhetoric has finally come into existence.

What is the point of such a blog and what makes the rhetoric of it so rancid? Is it simply a way to showcase the mediocre musings of a decaying English major? Or is it something more?

All of these questions came to me when I decided to create it. I hope to showcase my intellectual and creative ability without turning it into a simple “what I did today” and “how I feel” blog. If anybody else in this fucked up world is slightly like me, then they’d rather hear a story about binging on an obscene amount of alcohol and then urinating in an open car window than how my feelings were hurt because my friend didn’t invite me to a fondue party.

If you are one of those persons that can become emotionally invested into a salad dressing and are easily offended, then you’ll get more from watching Star wars kid on youtube than will from this blog (assuming you don’t find star wars kid offensive).

My goal is not to keep you updated on what Will Smith movies I have recently seen, no, my goal is, simply, to turn the mundane into the sublime. I hope to widen your myopic scope into a world that is simply fucked. Will I be offensive, crude, and downright insensitive? You’re god damn right I will. I am under the belief that if some topic is off limits, than everything is off limits.

I am with my obvious flaws, I have the indecisiveness of Hamlet and I possess the emotional depth of a snail with autism. But if I am one thing, I am fucked. I’d much rather crack jokes about Bernie Mac’s untimely death than tell you how you should be praising your God. I make judgments, sure, but why the fuck not, it’s my blog?

Right now this blog parallels my life, a random engagement of events with no discernable direction. But fuck it, I believe in evolution and I guess we’ll just have to see where it goes. I’d like to think it will go through somewhat of a “literary Darwinism” where only the strong pieces will survive, allowing the weak to die off faster than Steven Seagal’s rap career.

In the end it is an experiment and the last hope of an English major with no creative outlet. This is the first entry, and probably the most normal one you will ever see.