25 things about me

I have seen people doing these things on Facebook where they list 25 things about themselves that people probably don’t know about them. I thought; why not give it the ol’ college try, which usually means putting an obscene amount of alcohol in a bucket and trying to drink it.

Anyway, here it goes

1. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them I have SIDS.
2. I have never bench pressed a car, only a bus.
3. I don’t believe in Stephen King
4. My favorite vice president was Spiro Agnew; I always thought he sounded like a dragon.
5. I only lie to make myself look better;
6. I have never lied. I’m the most moral person in the entire world
7. I like to steal from hobos and kick puppies
8. I am often compared to Jimmy Carter due to my inability to work out hostage situations.
9. I don’t believe in being a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.
10. I was once asked to review the finances for a small company, I didn’t do it and told them I did. To say the least, Enron was NOT happy with me.
11. I live by a motto that I heard on a Sonic commercial; “Live your life fast and out of control.”
12. I have never killed anybody, only their sense of right and wrong.
13. I will never sell out my beliefs, but you can try to persuade me.
14. I am very intrigued by the republican moral standard: “Take everything; give nothing back.”
15. I think Math is overrated.
16. I think Mississippi makes West Virginia look like egalitarian paradise for intellectuals.
17. God is the biggest influence in my life, well, fourth behind TV, the internet, and basic reasoning.
18. I have contracted several STD’s; my mom still hasn’t forgiven me.
19. I have a dream to be on the O’Reilly factor and try to yell louder than him.
20. Every time I need to throw up I think about Anne Coulter’s credibility.
21. Hamburgers taste much better when made with gorilla meat.
22. I always cook by the book; especially the book “100 ways to wok your dog.”
23. I am under the belief that gay marriage is much less of a problem than allowing ugly stupid straight people. At least they aren’t producing another generation of dumb.
24. I understand now the incredibly deep meaning of Bon Jovi’s lyrics “It’s my life, and it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever, I’m going to live while I’m alive, it’s my life.”
25. I don’t believe in euthanasia, unless it’s used to kill nickelback.