25 things about me

I have seen people doing these things on Facebook where they list 25 things about themselves that people probably don’t know about them. I thought; why not give it the ol’ college try, which usually means putting an obscene amount of alcohol in a bucket and trying to drink it.

Anyway, here it goes

1. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them I have SIDS.
2. I have never bench pressed a car, only a bus.
3. I don’t believe in Stephen King
4. My favorite vice president was Spiro Agnew; I always thought he sounded like a dragon.
5. I only lie to make myself look better;
6. I have never lied. I’m the most moral person in the entire world
7. I like to steal from hobos and kick puppies
8. I am often compared to Jimmy Carter due to my inability to work out hostage situations.
9. I don’t believe in being a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.
10. I was once asked to review the finances for a small company, I didn’t do it and told them I did. To say the least, Enron was NOT happy with me.
11. I live by a motto that I heard on a Sonic commercial; “Live your life fast and out of control.”
12. I have never killed anybody, only their sense of right and wrong.
13. I will never sell out my beliefs, but you can try to persuade me.
14. I am very intrigued by the republican moral standard: “Take everything; give nothing back.”
15. I think Math is overrated.
16. I think Mississippi makes West Virginia look like egalitarian paradise for intellectuals.
17. God is the biggest influence in my life, well, fourth behind TV, the internet, and basic reasoning.
18. I have contracted several STD’s; my mom still hasn’t forgiven me.
19. I have a dream to be on the O’Reilly factor and try to yell louder than him.
20. Every time I need to throw up I think about Anne Coulter’s credibility.
21. Hamburgers taste much better when made with gorilla meat.
22. I always cook by the book; especially the book “100 ways to wok your dog.”
23. I am under the belief that gay marriage is much less of a problem than allowing ugly stupid straight people. At least they aren’t producing another generation of dumb.
24. I understand now the incredibly deep meaning of Bon Jovi’s lyrics “It’s my life, and it’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever, I’m going to live while I’m alive, it’s my life.”
25. I don’t believe in euthanasia, unless it’s used to kill nickelback.

The ultimate showdown

I wrote this junior year for a class. It's entertaining, and highly informative.

There are many important topics that could be discussed in this paper. I have many strong opinions that I could formulate on such subjects as: abortion, republicans, Wal-Mart, George Bush, PC’s, why Barry Sanders is the greatest running back of all time, and religion. All of these topics are very important, but I feel that my talents need to be focused on something that can change the world. Finally, I can bring unity to two worlds that one never thought was possible. I can answer the question “Which SF show/ series is truly better, Star Wars or Star Trek?” Now we can finally settle the on going debate that has been tearing this world apart for the last million years of human existence. Now I have seen quite a bit of both Star Wars and Star Trek but I am not hopefully immersed in the SF world. Therefore I am the perfect candidate to answer this on going debate.

In order to truly decide who is better, we need to do this systematically. Let us go through sets of categories by comparing the universes to each other to truly decide which SF show/ series is better. I have gone through literally every other option, and this is the best way to truly decide who is better. The first will be a battle of important characters from each universe. From the Star Trek universe I will pick Commander Worf and I will pit him up against Obi-Won Kenobi. They are both in higher ranks, and both are trained fighters. Unfortunately, this is no fight. Kenobi, being a Jedi, commands the force and the use of a light-saber. Though Worf is extremely deadly, all he has is a dinky metal sword and a phaser, he would be in multiple pieces in a couple seconds. The same thing would happen to Captain Kirk against Yoda, or Data against Mace Windu; they all would just end up in multiple pieces on the floor regretting the instant they pulled their weapon from their belts. Point goes to Star Wars.

The villains play just as important role as the heroes. So if we were to pit, Oh let’s say Darth Maul against a 100 klingon warriors, who would win? These Klingons are extremely good warriors, but their weapons are just inferior to the all powerful Light Saber, and Darth Maul has a double bladed Saber. Not to mention, he commands a little thing known as the Force. Unfortunately, again, Star Wars characters whom control the Force have the complete upper hand against any puny villain on Star Trek. Another point goes to Star Wars.

I know the trekkies are probably thinking now “That R-Tard has a completely biased view. If I wasn’t busy upgrading my level 42 hunter in WOW (World of Warcraft) I would push up my glasses and kick his ass!” Well don’t fret simple losers, for I may have given the upper hand to Star Wars in characters, but the discussion is far from over. I have not forgotten about your abiding savior that every trekkie says when this discussion is brought up. Q, the most powerful being in the Trek universe could beat any force in the Star Wars universe. I mean, there is nothing you can do against something that literally controls the universe. No Jedi in the universe would have a chance against Q.

Let’s see, right now the score is 2-1, those bastards with the use of the force always ruin it for those poor trekkies who are just trying to get by. But that’s in the past, we’re on to a whole new battle. There is nothing more important in either of these universes than the space ships they transport themselves in. This subject is a little tricky, because there were three or four different Enterprises, so to make it easier, I’ll pick the enterprise from the “Next Generation.” I must say; this ship is rather impressive. It has incredibly strong shields with really strong weapons on it. But my favorite part of the entire ship is the Holodeck, which in the words of Dave Chappelle “Is the most ballin shit in the world.” The Holodeck is short for Holographic Environment Simulator; it is a place where you can literally do anything. Let’s say I wanted to play Sunset Riders with Angelina Jolie while eating tacos at Casa Bonita. All I have to do is tell the computer what I wanted and it would do it. Just for that I give Star Trek one more point.

Cool as the holodeck may be, the question is, could the Enterprise beat certain ships from the Star Wars universe? It would certainly lose to the Death Star, and probably a Super Star Destroyer, but I think it would beat many of the smaller ships, like the Millennium Falcon or an X-Wing. But the question still remains, who would win? I’m going to pit a regular Star Destroyer against the Enterprise, and I’m giving the upper hand to the Star Destroyer just because of shear size and power. The Enterprise can only hold on so long, the Star Destroyer has just too many guns, point goes to Star Wars, the score is 3-2, advantage Star Wars.

There are too many categories within each universe to choose from, so I’m going to now have to take a step out and go within the bounds of ours. If there’s one thing both of these series, have besides the word “Star” in their name, they are both extreme geek magnets. If we were to pit a “trekkie” against a “warsie” (I just made that up, it’s just easier that way) who would win? The trekkie would immediately try take after Cpt. Kirk and do a bunch of roll moves to avoid opponent, the warsie would try (in vain) to use the force and choke the trekkie. Eventually, they would both realize they are pathetic losers with no discernable power besides the ability to detract women and actually try to fight. This is where the warsie would have the upper hand; he’s seen the Jedi use all kinds of Kung Fu and try to imitate it. His limbs would be flailing around like an octopus out of the water. The trekkie would get intimidated and run back home to his mother’s basement. The warsie would gloat triumphantly and then grab his inhaler before putting a hot pocket in the microwave. Thus the point again goes to Star Wars, giving it a commanding lead of 4-2.

I’m sure at this point of the paper the trekkies are getting cranky and saying things like, “That lousy humanoid is letting Star Wars based on meaningless facts. Yargh! I’m so mad I could through my Klingon/ English dictionary out of the window!” Unfortunately it does look like the points are going in favor of Star Wars, but just like Spock returned “The Search for Spock” Star Trek is still in this. The next category in which the two universes collide is in something I call “The Battle of Quality.” I always enjoyed the Star Wars and Star Trek movies as a child, mostly because they were flashy and had spaceships in them. Now that I am a refined man with a selective palate, I am able to discern crap from quality. I have re-watched several Star Trek movies, and I have to say I am quite impressed how well they are put together. The acting from Patrick Stewart is quite marvelous. And Shatner is pretty good, even though he is a little over the top sometimes. All in all, I would say that these movies are pretty entertaining, and well put together.

The Star Wars movies are different story. Visually, they are extremely amazing, there is still not a movie more fun to watch than Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Unfortunately, George Lucas, the hair-brained creator/ director, knows about as much about acting as the Chicago Cubs know about winning. Let’s just say the guy has no clue. I don’t get it, the actors he have are quite amazing. He has superstars like Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Harrison Ford and Samuel L. Jackson. You’d think with an all-star cast like that Lucas would be able to make a decent movie. But good lord, the acting is just sooo bad. Along with that, the man just continually makes major mistakes; like Jar-Jar Binks. Also, that stupid Pod-Race scene in Episode I, what a waste of a half hour when there could have been light sabers or star fighting. There isn’t a single movie in the entire trilogy that has good acting in it. For that, Star Trek wins the point, making it a close 4-3.

Well it was a close battle. Along the way we shared some laughs, some cries (mostly about the shit acting in Star Wars) and some fond memories. I know that some might not agree with my opinion, that I don’t have enough experience to truly judge the two different series. For that I say, it doesn’t matter. My opinion is scientific fact because I said it is. Feel free to try and disprove me, it’d be like punching out God, it’s just not going to happen. I hope that you have all enjoyed my paper and if anybody is writing a about Star Wars or Star Trek I give you my permission to use it as a source in your own papers. It is a guaranteed A, scientifically proven.